Life is a journey and along this journey we learn as we go. Some will learn from being told, while there are many of us who learn from our mistakes. I used to envy those who could simply heed the words of wise people and stay put in a non-chaotic life without a ripple, but after the years I have spent learning the hard way – I have to say I am glad to be like I am. I am glad that I am a do-er and I learn by doing. When I have been wrong, I thank the Lord for His wisdom and that I can learn from my mistakes and move on, (some people continue in the same mistakes so it is a true blessing to learn and move on) but I also have seen where a wrong path I took was used for the benefit of another and I never regret what I went through. I win from gaining wisdom, witnessing God’s grace and being a part of someone else’s journey and them being a part of mine.
When I have made mistakes God kept His promise in Romans 8:28 and worked every situation to the good. It hasn’t always been easy and for my friends who have seen me through hard times and moments when I was at my lowest, I know they rejoice in my growth as a person and as a Christian. I was saved at age 15, but no matter how ‘good’ I tried to be, I found myself striving and struggling for a deeper meaning in my life because I tried to be in control and make things happen, rather than “be still and know that He is God”.
Once I looked back at all my mistakes and wrong paths, I realized I was the one who got me there. I was able to embrace my pain and see the truth in it. And I was able to ask God humbly, “What was my part in my pain?”
I thought I was a ‘good person’ with a ‘sweet spirit’ because yes – my intentions were good toward others, but my “pride” kept me from seeing what was truly wrong in my heart and my “un-trust” kept me from ‘letting go and letting God’. I had no idea how strong my will was in these two things. I honestly thought I was doing my best in life. But how often do we ‘visit’ our inner most being? I think I avoided it!
Wanting to believe what people saw outwardly who felt I was a good person, it was some years ago when I looked inside, deep inside and I saw how much I did not really trust God to come through for me and I tried to control things in my life. I felt I had to come up with answers and I had to take care of my wounded soul. I was too proud to admit that I was not fully asking God to lead my life. I would read my bible, I would pray, I loved others, but I didn’t really trust that God would lead me where my hearts true desire was. Where was my heart’s true desire?
I wanted to please God yes, but I also cared about pleasing others and it seemed that is where I placed my worth. What others thought of me or where I was in my career or a relationship is what I strived for. Whether I lived with wealth or struggled to make ends meet – it was the same as far as my self –worth was concerned and I learned that it was because I placed my worth in what I received from others.
When I was completely alone and I had walked out on a comfortable life (but sheer unhappiness) I was ‘nothing’. I was finally the blank canvas God wanted all along. I stopped trying to make things happen. I stopped fooling myself that I was doing my best. I became more focused in God’s best. That took trust. I trusted Him to do His best and that even if I couldn’t see where He was going with something – I still trusted that it would be His best. Either He used a hardship in my life to help someone else, or He used it to elevate me to my next step. Whatever was going on was okay with me.
To the world, it may have looked like I had nothing, but inside – I knew I had everything. I had trust in the Lord and I had humility to look inside and see what I am without God leading the way. My worth was measured by what Jesus saw in me. Without Jesus I am nothing and I knew that… but even with Jesus in my life all of these years, I was still behaving as if I were nothing. I had let people walk over me, I had chosen the wrong sort of men for my life who did not respect me or truly love me. I had worked in vain, stressed out for a bigger paycheck to get me where I thought I wanted to be. But when I left a bad relationship, I left a job that was killing me and I finally began trusting God to be my provider, it was then that I started acting like a “King’s kid”. An heir to the throne. My self-esteem was restored. I had confidence that even on my bleakest days, I had a Knight in shining armor that would pull me through. My true love was not a man on this earth. It was God. My hero.
He healed my wounds, He bound what held me captive, He asked me to dance with Him… He began wooing me in a love relationship. He gave me gifts wrapped in pretty bows… a sunrise, a butterfly, a hummingbird, a mountain hike… I started noticing these things as His gifts and I began thanking Him for them each day. I didn’t focus on how much money I had in the bank or the bills that were due. I wasn’t careless, but I didn’t worry – because even if I had no answer on a certain day, I knew that I would see the answer and like my hero has proven before, He is an “in the nick of time” Hero. (I think He enjoys showing off like that).
After my true love relationship with the Lord was first and foremost my heart’s desire, He did not forget about the rest of my heart.
He brought to me the one I had prayed for all of my life, but I was never in the place to receive him. My husband had traveled a path like I had and God had him ready for me right at the time God had me ready for him. There was no ‘hoping’ he was the one or guessing, or making things happen… I KNEW it was God’s plan, His gift, His answer to my prayers.
God gave me more in my husband, than I knew to ask for. Together he and I are living our dreams. Nothing in this world is perfect and adversity has come our way at times, but as we keep God first and keep trusting Him, keep thanking Him and keeping ourselves as an open vessel for Him to use for His glory, we have built a strong foundation.
When my husband came into my life, I was not ‘incomplete’. Sure, he is my soulmate and I do feel more whole with our union, but I was ‘all’ of who I was supposed to be and my husband was ‘all’ of who he was supposed to be before we got together. Our union was based solely on love and not what either of us needed from the other. It has almost been a year and what a year it has been!
I have never in my life felt such a complete love by a man in this world as I do with my husband. It is a God-given love, and ordained love meant just for me and my husband that God put together.
It is so hard to find that today with so many failed relationships and heartache – especially when we think we have to make it happen and we strive trying to figure out some special code in life. We strive in vain. I share this testimony in hopes that those who desire true love, will take heart the things I mentioned before I was given my soulmate.
My true love was God first. As a Christian for over 33 years, I always felt I put God first, but that is where the humility of truth sets in. We must look deep inside… not at our works, not at our intentions or thinking we are trying to be our best… we must see ourselves through God’s eyes and if we are not fully trusting Him, and we are striving, we are only fooling ourselves.
He sees our heart and He knows where it is no matter what we say.
We need to get real with God and see what we are without Him… to see our mistakes and our part in them. To stop blaming others and take responsibility for not giving God the reins. When we fully commit our hearts to the Lord and trust His ways, (without taking that trust back) it is then that God knows we are able to receive His gifts.
Trust that He wants the best for you. Trust that He knows best and He gives His best. It may not be when we want it or how we think we want it… but when it is time, we will see it as God’s best and we will have peace in our lives.