Over the past few years of being single, I have taken my time where romance is concerned. It took me a while before I took the plunge to even go on a date, much less attempt a relationship. When I did finally decide to date, I reserved the right to stick my toe in the water and pull it back out.
There was even a story I wrote in the Chattanoogan called “50 First Dates” where all it took was one date and any potential romance was over before it could begin. It was partly my decision and partly theirs. If I liked a man and was willing to see him again – he had the problem with me. Either I was not the size two he wanted, or I wasn’t tall enough. Maybe it was that I wasn’t rich enough or that I didn’t attend an Ivy League school. And sometimes, I fear that my faith rubbed a few the wrong way. Whatever was ‘wrong with me’ didn’t bother me and it was easy to move on and not let it hurt me because I was secure in who I was and I knew that they just could not see the ‘treasure’ in me because they were not who God wanted for me. Only God could give eyes to see me the way He sees me to the one man He truly has for me.
This worked the same with the ones who did like me enough to want something more, but I was the one who didn’t feel that connection with them. My Daddy always taught me to be honest about what I like and don’t like – he told me to be true to myself. So, I made a point to let men know upfront if I wasn’t interested in them for more than just a friend. Either I flat out told them if they asked me or I gave obvious signals that I was not going to put effort into a relationship with them. And if they were the ones who didn’t seem sure or were wishy-washy about it, I was out of there. I didn’t play the game “I like you, but let me just see what else is out there while I enjoy you.” No. I am all or nothing – 100 % or 0%.
And the worn out ‘cop-out’ we all have used or that has been used on us, “It’s not you… it’s me” isn’t really being true to that person or to ourselves. The fact is, it isn’t about them or us. It is about what is destined. As a believer, I feel that God places in my life exactly what He purposes. Either it is temporary and for me to give something to that person or for them to give something to me, but I know God has a blessing somewhere whether it is ‘meant to be forever’ or not.
I guess that is why I love so easily and unashamed. Maybe saying that I was ‘in love’ with each man who I attempted a relationship with is a bit strong, but I have thought I was in love until it fizzled. Then I realized I just loved that person ‘as a person’ and they were exciting at the time that I thought of the possibilities of a future with them. But the good thing in all my relationships whether it is just friendship or casual dating or more, is that no matter how much excitement I felt in the beginning, I always knew when God showed a red flag or caution sign, telling me to back up or slow down.
I thank God that I have been able to listen to His voice in that. As much as I love or give of myself to someone, it would be easy to get heartbroken if I didn’t hold back. I have had much heartbreak in my life, but over the last few years, I knew that God wanted me to use those past heart breaks and be wiser. He gave me wisdom to know what was right for me and I exercised that wisdom. I feel good about where I have been and what I have learned as well as what I have given and what I have not given.
Whether it be emotionally or physically – whatever I held back, I knew that I was supposed to – even if I hoped that a relationship would be moving forward and grow. If I felt that God showed me it wasn’t right for me, my heart was protected and it didn’t hurt like it would have if I had given all of me. “All of me” is priceless and not just anyone can have that from me.
God revealed to me my worth as His daughter and it changed everything for me in my decisions choosing love. Just as it had nothing to do with me ‘not being good enough’ for the men who didn’t choose to ask me on a second date, it also had nothing to do with the men ‘not being good enough’ for me when I was the one who didn’t want to pursue a relationship any further.
There have been beautiful men in my life who had a lot to offer. Good men with good hearts. It wasn’t that they were not good enough for me if I moved on, it was just that God said “no”. It could have been that it wasn’t that ‘right time/right place’ for either of our lives for things to fit like a glove where you know it will only get better and better.
We can’t try to fit that square peg in a round hole. We can’t wait for that right time… or that place in our life in which we strive to be… either it is or it isn’t. Either we are or we aren’t.
So after dating here and there and then not dating for a while; and after trying on a relationship or two or three… it was all good for me and each person crossed my path for a reason. I have no idea ‘for certain’ what the relationship I have right now will bring tomorrow, but I have my hopes. I have my eyes and ears and mind and heart all tuned into what God wants me to know. I feel good about the person in my life right now. If something changed it would be okay, because God is with me all the way. But this is the first time since I was married, that I have given all of my heart to a man.
With this man, I am not holding back. With this man, I trust completely. Why him? I know him. I know him inside and out. I knew him when he was a baby, a child and now after many letters, phone calls, the time we have spent together – this man is like seeing myself in male form. There have been no warning signs, no waiting for me to be something he wants or waiting for him to be something I want… we are exactly where we need to be… we are exactly who we need to be.
Why do I belong with this man? Because he wanted me there. He made the effort to show me where I fit in his life right now. He made the effort to show me where he fits in mine. He saw my worth as I am right now as well as seeing my potential in all that I want to be. He sees that I have the same eyes for him. I want him exactly where he is and I will support him in where he wants to go. Only God can do that. It has nothing to do with any one person being good or not good enough. It has to do with God’s purpose.
If I am wrong in thinking there is nothing more to know about this relationship before deciding it is right, then God will show me and, I realize that this would be a gut-wrenching heart ache if it wasn’t – because this man has all of my heart. No holding back – this is right for me and right for him and I take comfort in that.
As responsible and grown up that we have to be to be a part of everything else in our lives, I still know that I do not want to live my life without him. I have given my heart fully to where I no longer feel whole without him. And that is a sacrifice I haven’t made since I was married. This love is very special. This man is in my heart and I am in his… and the best part is …he wanted me there.