This writing in 2011 was while I was in a deep mood of loneliness. A few family members and friends thought it was too dark and were concerned about me. As a writer, I knew it was just ‘momentary feelings’ and reaching deep into my soul to pull out what we all have felt at one time or another. I don’t throw away the darker writings, because I want to remember the places I have been and how far I have come. This writing may not sound like words that would come from a Christian who has hope – but even Christians can feel down and it is good to identify those feelings and not sweep them under the rug. If you have come across this writing and are feeling lonely and discouraged – allow yourself to feel the pain. But just know the pain makes you stronger. I never stay down long BECAUSE I am a Christian, but I also don’t pretend I have never felt the pain.
I knew that I was being led to the edge, but somehow I didn’t care
My life was not my own, I was no longer there.
When I felt an aggressive push, so full of hate
I knew I was going to fall and death would be my fate.
I expected an immediate crash, only hearing the breaking of all my bones
Then being swooped up into my father’s arms, welcoming me home.
But the fall never ended, I began to lose my breath,
Oh how I wished it would end – the fall has been worse than death.
Knowing there must be completion, I tense up to brace myself.
Down the cascading drifts of wind, wisdom becomes my wealth.
No longer have I closed my eyes, I have found comfort in the descent.
I will not grasp for help, I have fallen too far, my resources and strength spent.
The wind gets shallow, it is no longer calming. I see people watching with arms folded.
They bid me well and echo a prayer, as my reality is jolted.
Because I did not meet my culmination, I breathe in the fragility of hope.
In this ongoing fall that has no end, surely I can cope.
The thick walls of air compress my chest; they are so dense.
I feel a light mist beneath me, reaching up to my defense.
Alas! I will stop falling I will be rescued by love or by death.
As the water rolls around me taking all my breath;
The darkness becomes darker but I know in a moment’s time,
Someone will reach for me and pull me to safety or else death will be sublime.
Arms still folded, backs even turned; I see horror on their face.
No one is coming. I will soon be in my resting place.
As the pressure around me closes in, the darkness become splashes of color!
My thoughts become numb as the heaviness of the water moves upward.
My body feels light and there is no more pressure,
This must be the moment of rapture.
In the colors of the bottomless sea,
I find such beauty.
Yet, I am still falling and the faces have disappeared.
Truth forces itself upon me, no longer does it veer.
I will be forever falling, there is no relief.
I have fallen into the blind pit where those who look, can’t see.
Every endless day I hoped to be rescued by love or by death.
I was content to know I may be put to test.
But now I know it was all in vain,
Love will not find me ever again.
And death won’t accept me; I am under a curse,
My path continues to plummet with traverse.
I loved like an angel of light, people watched from a far,
Admiring the splendor but afraid to be scarred.
Velvet water covers me, the colors now dance,
Hope has grown weary to take another chance.
No longer anticipating relief from this squall,
Existence is worse than death, as I continue to fall.